Trust and fussy eating

Trust, on all levels, is critically important when it comes to fussy eating and helping a child to eat more widely.

A question I always ask of parents of fussy eaters is does your child trust you when it comes to food?

Often, they are unsure of how to answer, so below I will explain the different factors that are important in terms of trust and fussy eating and how they support progress.

Trust and fussy eating

Trust comes in many different forms. Some of the key areas are detailed below:

Trust in the food served

Is your child comfortable with the food on their plate when it is something they are familiar with, or do they pick at it and lift it up and examine it? If they do these things, it could be a sign that they are not 100% confident that what has been served is what they think it is.

Being uncomfortable with the food served is one of the main reasons I am very anti-hiding. I know hiding is heavily promoted and it seems like a simple solution and an easy way to get more nutrients into a child, but I feel it is a short-term, parent focused exercise.

Yes, you may be able to grate a bit of carrot into a meatball, but your child is:

i) Not learning to eat that carrot

ii) Is not going to voluntarily add a carrot if given independence

iii) Probably not going to have a good reaction if they spot grates of carrot.

I have spoken to dozens of parents who have been caught out adding something to a favourite muffin or smoothie or meatball. Their child has spotted the unwelcome ingredient and now refuses to eat that food.

To me, hiding breaks trust. It can also cause distress — never a good emotion in regard to food. I always think of hairs when I’m explaining this to parents. How would you feel if you were eating a chocolate muffin and came across a hair in it?

Would it gross you out enough to stop you eating them, at least for a while?

This often happens when a picky eater finds that bit of grated vegetable ‘hidden’.

Rather than hiding, I advocate working towards being able to serve a food, explain exactly what it is, and have your child acknowledge they trust that is the case.

If trust has been lost, it can take a bit of time to build it back, however, for moving forwards trust is essential.

Trust in themselves

Children who do not find food easy to eat, often lose the confidence they can comfortably eat something new.

I like to use a swimming analogy. It can take a long time before we believe that we can put our face in the water and be okay, or that we are able to swim across a section where our feet don’t touch the ground.

Eating is the same.

Learning to trust that something new may be okay — even great — takes time and patience. It can be a slow process for a child, building trust that a new step can be taken without it being awful.

This is why I always advocate for making it super easy for a child to take a tiny step in a new direction. Every time they do this, they begin to have more confidence they can do something different, eat a slightly new version of a food.

You trusting them

Firstly, as a parent, it is important that you are in charge. It is also critical that you trust your child in the food sphere and give them the opportunity to learn to trust themselves.

1. You trust they can eat new foods. You are their number one cheerleader and if you do not believe they can eat something new, how can they?

2. Give them tools. Over time it is important to gradually give them the tools they need to trust themselves in the food sphere. Often, as parents we put ourselves right in the middle of the food equation, taking away our child’s ability to learn and to grow. Let me use some examples to explain this:

i) Quantity. Ideally, you can gradually let your child learn to gauge how much food is the right quantity for their own body and energy needs. If a parent always determines the portion size of foods, you are deciding how much they should eat, rather than allowing them to gauge this for themselves.

ii) Offering variety. Serving new foods shows you believe your child is capable of eating different things. If you always serve the same foods (I know, I know, those are the ones they will eat) then you are not trusting they can eat something new.

Here I am suggesting having new foods available alongside accepted foods rather than just giving them a new food and taking away a favourite.

iii) Good choices. Trusting your child to make good food choices takes time and modelling and mistakes. But if you do not go through the process it is far more difficult for them to be able to do this for themselves.

For example, if you continually micro-manage what they eat, or direct them to eat this before that, you are putting yourself in the middle of their relationship with food.

Instead, stepping back and allowing your child to make decisions around food, within boundaries, is a really positive way to gift them great tools for long term positive eating.

Trust it will all work out in the end!

So much of resolving fussy eating revolves around having goals to work towards, but an appreciation that it may take time.

It is also rarely linear. Your child may suddenly add two or three foods and enthusiastically eat something new in a restaurant. You are delighted and feel this is it, you have cracked the picky eating.

Then they stop eating all the new foods and refuse to even eat a favourite at dinner. Unfortunately, this is common behaviour, and part of the learning curve for your child. They have a burst of confidence, then, suddenly feel overwhelmed or overtired and it falls apart.

However, that falling apart is often a set-back rather than a disaster. If things have worked, why have they worked? How can you replicate that and support your child to take more new steps?

If they do go a little backwards, then appreciating that it is part of the learning and continuing to support them to make progress is critical. It is way easier to sit back and do nothing, rather than consistently looking for ways forward.

A summary:

Trust is a key component of success when working with a picky eater. Them trusting you, you trusting them, them trusting themselves, and the belief that the effort you put in will be worthwhile (which it is!).

Have you thought about trust when it comes to your child and fussy eating?

Has this article raised any questions? If so please feel free to get in contact.

Judith, MA Cantab (Cambridge University), Post Grad Dip Psychology (distinction), Massey University, is an AOTA accredited picky eating advisor and internationally certified nutritional therapist. She works with 100+ families every year resolving fussy eating and returning pleasure and joy to the meal table.
She is also mum to two boys and the author of Creating Confident Eaters and Winner Winner I Eat Dinner. Her dream is that every child is able to approach food from a place of safety and joy, not fear.
Learn more about Judith here: https://theconfidenteater.com/about/